Making it some days
One of the reasons I'm writing a lot is because I'm hurting. I know I've said that before. I'm not trying to hide anything, or incessantly harp on things. But lately. I'm hurting.
Sleep is starting to be a bit better. School is going well. Work is good. Family life is good. But underneath it all, I'm tired. I'm running close to exhausted. It's not that what I'm doing isn't satisfying. It doesn't mean it isn't good for the family.
That's the thing. Everything can externally be alright. Especially public personas and interactions. When you're treading water, when you're the duck on the surface, all appears calm. All appears normal. Okay. But that's where we're supposed to be on our best behavior. It's the most superficial of social interactions. The problem is it's also the most common, and it's lack of information degrades how we truly view each other.
This is me going deeper. Being real about how I'm feeling these days. What I'm going through. What people don't see. Because I've been living with some of these emotions, feelings, sensations for so long they're part of the status quo. But they're still there. Weighing things down just a bit every day. And getting subtly worse at times of stress, or out of the blue.
My thoughts get caught in spirals taking me far past the worst case scenario, every time I contemplate the future. Or just what assignments I have to do that week for school. If it gets bad enough, my heart races. I haven't had a panic attack in quite some time. But the fear of my pulse racing out of control, tunnel vision setting in, and the incapacity to do anything.
That may be under control, I've learned how to stop or climb out of a downward spiral of my thoughts. I've got medication that keeps the worst of the panic at bay. But there are a couple things I still haven't gotten control of yet. I still barely sleep enough. I struggle to fall asleep, I lie awake at night at least half of the time, if woken I can't go back to sleep. I let my temper get the best of me too often. Really, I spend so much time sad and frustrated that I shift to anger as a default. Way too often. The last thing is the cloud. The darkness that just dwells on the back of the mind. Hazing everything. Just adding a tint to things.
So though I'm good. There are things I can't shake. Add 40 hours of night shift a week, 15 credits of college, and trying to be there as a husband, trying to be there as a father,it's a lot. It's stressful from my schedule. And I still have to push through. Things are always that way.
I'm still swimming forward. I'm doing better than just treading water at this stage. I'm making it. But some days it does feel like barely. That's what I need to be real about.What
Sleep is starting to be a bit better. School is going well. Work is good. Family life is good. But underneath it all, I'm tired. I'm running close to exhausted. It's not that what I'm doing isn't satisfying. It doesn't mean it isn't good for the family.
That's the thing. Everything can externally be alright. Especially public personas and interactions. When you're treading water, when you're the duck on the surface, all appears calm. All appears normal. Okay. But that's where we're supposed to be on our best behavior. It's the most superficial of social interactions. The problem is it's also the most common, and it's lack of information degrades how we truly view each other.
This is me going deeper. Being real about how I'm feeling these days. What I'm going through. What people don't see. Because I've been living with some of these emotions, feelings, sensations for so long they're part of the status quo. But they're still there. Weighing things down just a bit every day. And getting subtly worse at times of stress, or out of the blue.
My thoughts get caught in spirals taking me far past the worst case scenario, every time I contemplate the future. Or just what assignments I have to do that week for school. If it gets bad enough, my heart races. I haven't had a panic attack in quite some time. But the fear of my pulse racing out of control, tunnel vision setting in, and the incapacity to do anything.
That may be under control, I've learned how to stop or climb out of a downward spiral of my thoughts. I've got medication that keeps the worst of the panic at bay. But there are a couple things I still haven't gotten control of yet. I still barely sleep enough. I struggle to fall asleep, I lie awake at night at least half of the time, if woken I can't go back to sleep. I let my temper get the best of me too often. Really, I spend so much time sad and frustrated that I shift to anger as a default. Way too often. The last thing is the cloud. The darkness that just dwells on the back of the mind. Hazing everything. Just adding a tint to things.
So though I'm good. There are things I can't shake. Add 40 hours of night shift a week, 15 credits of college, and trying to be there as a husband, trying to be there as a father,it's a lot. It's stressful from my schedule. And I still have to push through. Things are always that way.
I'm still swimming forward. I'm doing better than just treading water at this stage. I'm making it. But some days it does feel like barely. That's what I need to be real about.What
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