Insomnia

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I've been writing more about my health lately. I feel driven too. Yet trepidation about it. I want to be open, honest. I want to reach out and share what this is like that I'm going through. Mental health, physical symptoms. I do it so people don't feel alone and so I can process what I'm going through. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I would despise that kind of attention. It's why so much of this has been staying on the blog and not making it to social media profiles.

Tonight I find myself dealing with one of my oldest friends. The ceiling. I fell asleep for an hour tonight and boom. Awake all over again. Attempting to close my eyes all over again just makes my heart race, thoughts go crazy. 

If I wake in the night, it's over. That's it. Sleep is done. There's a threshold I cross and I can't go back. 

Since my teens this has been a problem. It got worse on my mission. Was essential to the Army. Now it drives me through graveyards. 

Some say chronic insomnia. Some say sleep disturbance. What's it matter? I just don't sleep.

I've sought treatment. And it's been fairly fruitless. 

Medication. Usually doesn't work. The few that do just knock me out, if I wake up I'm still up again. Yet somehow more tired.

Sleep Hygiene, helps. Most nights. To at least calm me down a bit more.

Diet and supplements. Didn't touch it.

Counseling made the other side effects passable for a change.

My sleep apnea machine, is a coin flip. 

I've been dealing with this a long time and I've been giving it a solid shot. And I was hitting a rhythms where it was bearable. But not anymore.

Medication meant to help my migraines, it can cause insomnia. Guess I pulled the card on that one. Chronic fatigue but unable to sleep. And it effected my mental health big time. It still is. It's crushing. I don't want to feel that way anymore.

But I don't know what to do. So I'm attempting to be productive-ish. For awhile. If sleep won't come easy, I shouldn't waste a night, right?

If you're struggling with sleep. You're not alone. 

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