I can't change the past

 Some people can confidently say that there is nothing that they wish they could do over. They proclaim that they have learned from each and every mistake, it's made them who they are, and they won't change any of it. 

I'm not one of them. 

I wish I could fix some mistakes. I wish I could do things differently. Truly. I think it's part of being human. Regret. A tinge of guilt. We have moments where we didn't measure up to who we were. Or what we knew we should of done.

I feel that. I wish I could go back and change that.

But more than that, I wish I could go back and do something else. I wish I could tell myself at different moments that I'll be ok. Because I have been there, in darker times without hope. I wish I could go back and give it.

More than changing what happened, I wish I could influence how I handled the situations that were occurring around me. 

I wish I could tell the kid getting picked on and messed with in 6th grade that the next year would be a little better. I wish I could tell that 7th grader that the work he was putting in choir to learn voice control would pay off. I wish I could tell that hot headed 8th grader that he did have teachers who saw him and gave a damn. I wish I could tell the 5'0" freshman that he would grow and that his voice would settle. Or the sophomore that he would get through the growing pains and the awkwardness. I wish I could tell that junior and senior that he was stronger than he knew. I wish I could tell that young missionary that his struggles would allow him to relate better to others not only on his mission but later in life. I wouldn't need to tell the guy that met Emma at a speed dating activity anything, I could just watch. I would have to tell the young father enlisting that he was making the right decision. I would let a distraught soldier know the injury wouldn't ruin his life. I would let him know that transitioning was possible. I would tell him that his fatigue, his pain was real. 

But I can't do any of that. No matter how much I wish I could. But that desire has now moved toward my children. I know I can't protect them from mistakes, from harm. I can't see their future. But I can help them know they are loved, they aren't alone, and they'll be okay.

I had safeguards, love, and mentors. I was lucky. I can look at times where I played things too close. Where I didn't reach out. But I'm different now. I can set a different example. I have people I know who care about me. Who help me. I can model how to reach out for my children. And I hope, be the support they reach out too.

Part of that is giving them people, the one's I trust to be mentors, to be guides. To tell them the things I'd tell my younger self, when they're hurting. 

It's the least I could do. It's what I need to do, not just for them, but for me as well.

We can't change the past, but we can change the future. Everyday.

I can't change the past. But the desire to do it differently can drive me to be better.