Measuring Up

Change is never easy. It's even harder alone when you think no one is watching.

We want people to see us change. We want the difference to be measured. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves.

 There's that cliché of wondering if what you've wrote even matters. That post twenties existential crisis about your worth and your contribution. It's real.

I'm not going to say it's universal. But there is something about staring at the end of a decade and feeling left behind. Feeling like you may have fallen short. 

There are plenty of pieces of art, literature, film that share this idea of running out of time. That the desire to do, become, or produce something of note in our time here.

Health changes, disease, injury, close exposure to death of loved ones, sudden career changes or losses, the birth of children, changing or losing a relationship. All are events that can accelerate these feelings of not measuring up. Of missing opportunities.

Now here is where I have to say I think it's entirely admirable to those who are truly self governed and self motivated. I've had moments where I was self motivated. Where my goals and desires were entirely my own. But it's not been the norm.

I have had too many career, educational, and relational aspects to my goals and desires. That's just the way that the world works. We do not have the autonomy the freedom to isolate our motivations and actions from others. 

I don't know if I have an answer to any of this. I really don't.

I know that this phenomenon of being weighed and measured can result in crippling anxiety. Can make us, me feel inadequate.

I'm working on the feelings, but I'm also working on writing something that matters. The two goals, the two drives don't have to be mutually exclusive. I just need a healthier interaction to them.