Witt's End

I've been thinking a bit about the news that came out about the Church and investments that came out in the past couple days. I don't have a definitive idea of where I stand but I have some disparate thoughts that I wonder if others are feeling. And this is my unfiltered view on the subject. They are not reflective of the church itself, or anyone else. I just wanted to own this and make that clear. One, to me and in my belief, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the most true church. That's all. It's the best and most direct link to salvation, but it's still a church, it's still administered by men, and we don't always get things right. That's nothing shocking personally. Especially when we compare it to the biblical record, Adam was rebuked, Moses, Saul, David, Jonah, the twelve Apostles at large, Peter alone, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and several others. Prophets needed correction, the Lord's called and  anointed. If we truly believe in

There is something about the quiet of fresh snow. The literal dampening effect that those thousands, millions, crystals of frozen water has is beyond compare. A dark night, no traffic, with some fresh snow, it's one of my favorite settings. I've always enjoyed the night. Felt more alive, more connected, more me. Winter seems to make it more so. Summer nights are just a continuation of what came before, never-ending. A night in winter, it's emphatic, it's an ending, a definitive punctuation.  Looking out the window at the current snow fall, it's made the night go faster. It's beautiful. Yet it still leaves the right touch of the melancholic.  It's time like these in the middle of December where I find myself running one of my two favorite Christmas songs in my head. That gem from Meet Me in St.Louis, with the line I love,  "Someday soon we all will be together If the fates allow Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow So have yourself a merry

I’ve lost track of how many people have called me Doc. It’s not a small number. And it’s still growing.  Working at the VA is an interesting thing. It’s kept me connected to the military community. But that is a double edged sword at times. The memories stay fresh. I loved my time in the army. I especially loved being a medic. It was something that came with a responsibility I haven’t had since. That responsibility came with the aforementioned title, “Doc”. Some soldiers give it freely to match the title, others make you earn it. But they all expect the best out of you. That best includes a decent bag of tricks.  Being able to keep someone breathing, and stop their bleeding is the basic responsibility of a medic in a field unit. IVs, IOs, tourniquets, pressure bandages, crics, occlusive dressings,  needle decompression, pain management, and more. It’s a lot of skills. It’s a dynamic set augmented by rotations in clinics, and other training and classes. It’s a skill set I stri

Don't wait to get to fully suicidal to call a hotline, to reach out to a friend, to attempt to get help. Please. I know this is something I dwell on a lot. It's something I've written about a few times and will continue to write about. Continue to talk about. For a few reasons. One, male suicide, veteran suicide are going to continue to rise. That isn't changing. The second reason is a two parter, one I know so many people dealing with these same issues, and one person told me to keep working on it. I see people struggling. I hear their stories. I see them. I don't know if that resonates with everyone. I want to make a difference. I have limited time and resources. So maybe this is something I can do to make a difference. I see people I know struggling. Daily. Truly. Whether it was PTSD, an adjustment disorder, depression, or good old fashioned anxiety. There are struggles. Most I had no idea were happening. There are guys who've attempted suicide recent

I wrote recently about death and it's a bit of a load of bunk if I'm honest 24 hrs later. But I'm going to leave it up and just write an addendum. The hardest part of working in emergency medicine and hospice care is maintaining your composure. It's the same for healthcare in general for me. The variety of roles I've found myself in. The difficulty comes from different sources that change constantly but if we broke down to the root of it all, that's what we would be facing. The simplest form of it is not breaking at a smell. It's a simple thing but something we deal with all the time. Whether it's as an aid cleaning up a patient or resident after a bowel movement or bladder void gone wrong, or helping clean up a patient who missed their basin or emesis bag while vomiting. Those are the simple ones. Harder is not letting the shock show on your face at a wound that's more severe than anticipated, or vitals or a lab that tells a hard story. Mainta

I don't know if anyone else has tried writing something and the words on the page don't line up with the words on the brain. I've had a lot of thoughts rolling that I'm trying to make sense of. Usually a pen or a keyboard helps breed clarity. Today it seems to be mostly doubt and confusion. Most of what's to follow was written in pieces and bursts. Almost fitfully. Not from a stress standpoint, not from a frantic place. But from a place of uncertainty and wondering. Once I get everything worked out perhaps it will make more sense. Now given titles are fairly apparent and readily available I think the subject of death is not a mystery topic today. Now I'm not writing this because it's Halloween time and my thoughts have turned to the Gothic and macabre. Nor am I writing this because I'm feeling my own impending doom. And I'm not writing this for attention. No I'm writing this because this is part of my life once again. Death. It's been a

I gave a talk this Sunday. Here's the outline, it's pretty close to how it was delivered. It's all stuff that means a lot to me. So I hope it's something I can share with you. I wrote about my mission and how hard it was to do that for two years. All of the struggles I had as a missionary. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in a lot of ways. It was something I still compare other trials to. Even the military is compared to my mission in my mind. It was a formative experience. This is pretty long but I really hope if you've read anything I've written you'd read this. My name is Witter Case. I'm married to my wife Emma, and we're the happy parents of the four boisterous children typically situated towards the back of the overflow. We've been living in the ward for about two years. Having moved back to the area after an enlistment in the army. This is the ward I grew up in, even though boundaries and stakes have changed. It's been goo

It’s becoming increasingly clear that our president has done things that are morally and ethically wrong and the realities of that are becoming rapidly inescapable. We’re all going to have to face it. To those who think his actions are admirable, should be celebrated and continued as a new normal, shame on you. To those holding onto specific policy increasingly out of fear of the opposing party, let’s talk, what do you need from your government? To those ethically and morally opposed to these actions, keep the honest critical mentality. To those only opposed to his actions because he wears a different political party, shame on you for being part of the problem. A figure I truly admire spoken up today. In a rather scathing analysis of the president. Making it clear that current actions that have occurred in the middle east and specifically Syria will have lasting ramifications. That our power comes not just from our technical might but from something else entirely. “We are the mos

We've heard the golden rule. Do unto others as others would do unto you. It's not a bad philosophy to live by. I feel like I've been called to something higher. It's a defining characteristic of my faith. "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." Matthew 22:39 It's the simplest distillation of the second half of all christian doctrine and gospel. The first half is to love God. Together they compose the higher law in the most basic form. That means more to me than I often describe. But I felt like I needed to. Most people who know me are aware that I spent two years of my life as missionary for my church. I spent two years with a name on a tag on a pocket of a white shirt. That name was Jesus Christ. That's a name that means more to me than I know how to express but I'm going to try. It's an indivisible aspect of me now. He was perfect. In every way. Literally. Lived the perfect life. Taught the perfe

I think Superman gets a bum rap. A lot of people seem to think he's overpowered, too self righteous, and unrealistic. And they would be right to a point. Kal El is meant to be an aspirational figure, someone for us to strive toward. I like my heroes like that. He's just the brightest. Now before I really get into the meat of what I'm trying to say I know I need to address something. Batman is awesome, he's conflicted, he's well written. He's just a man so he should be something to strive for. I agree with all of that, but he's never been a true favorite of mine. Bruce Wayne is too damaged. I have enough of that in my life. I don't want to be one ruled by fear, or using fear too much. So I look elsewhere. I'm searching for goodness. I love heroes that are inherently good. Even if that means some people think they're boring. I need goodness in my life. I am my own redemption story already. I enjoy one. But they aren't as inspiring as ju

One of the reasons I'm writing a lot is because I'm hurting. I know I've said that before. I'm not trying to hide anything, or incessantly harp on things. But lately. I'm hurting. Sleep is starting to be a bit better. School is going well. Work is good. Family life is good. But underneath it all, I'm tired. I'm running close to exhausted. It's not that what I'm doing isn't satisfying. It doesn't mean it isn't good for the family. That's the thing. Everything can externally be alright. Especially public personas and interactions. When you're treading water, when you're the duck on the surface, all appears calm. All appears normal. Okay. But that's where we're supposed to be on our best behavior. It's the most superficial of social interactions. The problem is it's also the most common, and it's lack of information degrades how we truly view each other. This is me going deeper. Being real about how I

I've been honest about my struggles with faith for quite some time. I have faith. I also have doubts. That's life. That's the struggle we all face to a point. There are two things that aren't helping me or anyone else. One comes from outside the faith the other within. I've experienced and watched both lately and I gotta say something. The first is that I would hope that as someone who professes a faith in Christ and desires to live as he would have me live that I would have more support from others who do the same. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints puts the cross-hairs on ones back so to speak. It leaves little room to be real and frank about doubts that naturally accompany faith. When I wonder if Christ really atoned for me, or if God exists, is he answering my prayers, I'm honest about it. I've been talking more about my belief, my faith, my testimony. Sometimes it invites commiseration, other times it takes a darker turn

It often happens that I find myself melancholy about those who are gone. It strikes at different times and with different intensities. October always seems to be one of those times. It's Halloween, the month I left and returned from a mission, the month I met my wife, and the month I found out a childhood friend was gone.  The one that strikes at time the most poignantly is the last one. It was someone who I had lost contact with. Not entirely but partially. We had reconnected online. A couple weeks later a message told me he was gone. That one stuck with me. It was the first suicide close to me. Sadly they've kept coming. And with the subtle, comfortable melancholy of autumn, I remember. Quite easily compared to some others.  Every year it makes me wonder who else remembers? I'm still in touch with quite a few of my childhood friends that would remember him. But not that often. Not often enough. So I don't know if they go through the same emotions the same

It's not just working swing shift or night shift that's kept me up at night. A lot of the time I've dealt with some insomnia. To the point where it feels like just a part of the human condition. The only bright side is it's peaceful and sometimes writing flows more easily. Here's a little mini collection. 7/12/2018 Knowing that tragedy is an almost universal part of the human experience does not make it much easier when it's your turn to deal with it. 7/28/18 Dusk and Dawn Neither night or day Beauty of a sunrise A sunset The drop of dew Memories come Fleeting Until the time is whisked away 8/23/18 Everytime my heart breaks a little bit more I keep crashing into the Door Jam There's nothing I seem able to do I can't even put on a shoe right 9/4/19 You can be saved and still be broken Both from self inflicted wounds And something deeper underneath I don't believe in a higher power I know their here Felt them here

What does faith mean to you? Do you believe in God? I ask those because I believe that many of us have very different relationships with faith and our belief in a higher power. Those differences are driving some conflict. Portions of Americans would have us believe that there is an outright assault on our christian values, our faith, our way of life. I don't see it that way. I think there are some conflicts, but they aren't as prevalent or as one sided as one might assume. But they are an issue that needs to be addressed. I'm an American. I love my country. I am in awe of the rights provided to me and enshrined in the constitution. We have amazing wonderful opportunities. The right to freely express one's faith, values, opinions in a public sphere is hard to oversell. The defense of those liberties with robust legal system is one of my favorite things to behold. It makes decisions in defense of those rights everyday. But some decisions are harder. When you have rig

Sometimes it's doubt. That's an emotion that can creep in at anytime. It can sneak up on you. Doesn't matter how good you're doing. Sometimes things will hit you the hardest when things are going well. That's just the absolute truth. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. The 2018 numbers came out for DOD suicides. A lot of posts have followed breaking down the numbers, the reasons why, the proposed actions. I'm not going into that. Enough people have for now and there's not much more for me to add. There's been a theme running through those that I can't shake. Check on your buddies, even when you think they're doing alright. I've failed at that a lot. I get wrapped up in my life, my work, my school, my family. I don't reach out like I should. I even know which guys hurt at times. I can see it. Sometimes I get a text or a message off, sometimes I don't. But I should. I should make more of an effort. You know why I know th

There is no perfect magic shield for protecting against suicide. I'm sorry but that's the truth. I know a lot of people know this and I may be preaching to the choir a bit, but I needed to say it. I know a lot of good intention-ed people who wonder why so and so committed suicide. They seemed happy. They had a good job. They had a wonderful spouse. Beautiful family. They had purpose. They had faith, you could feel it, they were active in their church. All of these can mitigate suicide, and for many may be enough to hold on. But that doesn't mean it's true for everyone. Our thoughts are tricky tricky beasts. They can take us down a rabbit hole in no time flat. I can tell you from experience that one negative thought can snowball, and cause a string of catastrophizing that will rob one of all sleep in a night. It can happen to any of us. That much is true. That brain of ours is not infallible, it's susceptible to all kinds of trickery. Thoughts need to be active.

In a time where we are surrounded by tumultuous conflict every one is looking for where to turn, who or what can solve our problems. A lot of people will turn to self help, a political or governmental intervention, or spiritual guidance. Everyone seems to be attacking each other over what won't work. I'm going to try a different tact. I truly believe that part of this life is to become a better person. To specifically emulate a perfect savior. That someone took pains, sins, sufferings, sickness, affliction upon themselves for all men. That their whole purpose was to sacrifice themselves to redeem and succor us, humans, broken things to mend. That on a global scale there is someone to fix us all. I'm not naive enough to think that my spiritual beliefs or even shared beliefs in Jesus Christ will immediately solve all the world's problems. Even amongst those of us who have a belief and testimony there are severe disagreements. What I do think is that the smaller the sp

Something hit me harder than I would have anticipated today. Someone on my social media lost a relative to suicide. Just reading their emotion had my heart sink. It was a lot stronger of a reaction than I would have anticipated. I hope it's always that way. I hope suicides continue to hit me hard. At a time where we're having almost record suicides, widely publicized mass shootings, and overall noise it's easy to become desensitized to what's going on around us. To the how people really are doing. To who we know who is or might be struggling. I'm so far from perfect at this. I get so easily desensitized lately. I've been working hospice and rehab as a nurse aide. I see grief, I see struggles, I see even death almost daily. It becomes routine. At time it has to. When you lose a patient you care about it hurts, but you have to turn around and prep their body, console their family, and get the next call light. Time doesn't stop for you. So for me I just find a

I've stopped and started this three or four times already. Just having trouble finding a way to express how I'm feeling. So here goes. Too many of us believe our country, our world would be better if everyone thought like us. We also are increasingly believing that those not like us are less than human. We are empathizing less and less. It's scaring me. We've forgotten how to disagree. How to listen to opposition and apply it. As we become more and more divided I'm fearful. I'm so worried that the extremes are high jacking the discourse of the nation. Driving us further and further apart and toward extremes. One faction though worries me most. Mostly due to the fact it was where I identified with more. This push for nationalism is the most concerning thing for me. This idea that there is a singular historical national identity worries me. It's always a euro-centric ideology, typically conservative and focused on conformity. Personally it antithetica

Do we jump to mental health to avoid thinking that normal people can radicalize? I don't see us jumping to declare all radical Muslims mentally ill? Were all members of the Nazi party? I mean that sincerely.I'm deeply deeply disturbed that this is the go to answer. I get so worried about how this scapegoats mental health. I mean that. In a world where 1 in 6, to 1 in 5 adults are actively living with mental illness, is it really the time to blame some of the most catastrophic events we are currently experiencing on mental illness? I mean that seriously. I'm concerned that we have to find something to blame other than people. I worry about the added stigmatization that occurs from this. How it could potentially damage the rights of non-dangerous people to obtain firearms in the future. I mean that sincerely. I fear by always leaping straight to mental health at mass shootings we will end up making things worse not better. And hear me out, please. First things first. A diag

Tragedy has struck more than once the past few days. El Paso, Ohio, Chicago. There are too many events where too many people are dying by gun violence. That's just a fact. We all need to realize it. Regardless of what side of the line we're on we need to realize that the other side is not full of spineless capitulating cowards, or bloodthirsty heartless monsters. That's also a fact. You have people who are afraid of weapons who are scared to leave their homes. People with a legitimate fear of mass shootings. Afraid of being a victim. You also have people who worry there is a motion to take their guns. All of them. Not some. But all. Who would lose something they may use for food or defense, actually use. Afraid of being a victim. Both sides are being motivated by fear. That's now how this should go at all. We can have some discussions. We need to. So to what I really wanted to say. There is no good easy silver bullet solution here. And I have to admit to being a b

This blog is about to get a lot more use. I've got a lot of drafts I've been working on. So I'm going to start coalescing some of my ideas from scattered thoughts to a defined idea. And then share them with the world. One to two posts a week. Some of it may be spiritual. Some may be policy based. But all are going to be me sharing my ideas.