Witt's End

I'm struggling tonight. Really really struggling. I shouldn't be but I am. It's time to be honest about it.  I've got a couple disparate thoughts weighing heavily on my mind tonight. One, that no party truly represents all aspects of my faith, yet I still want to participate in discussions surrounding policy that effects us all. Finding a way to do that is both freeing and stressful. Two, we all have things that our faith, church, or doctrine cause us to struggle. That varies from person to person and we need to be acutely aware and empathetic of it. Policies and Votes Every election cycle, my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) releases a letter with similar language regarding the upcoming election. This year's letter contained this language: "We urge Latter-day Saints to be active citizens by registering, exercising their right to vote, and engaging in civic affairs. We also urge you to spend the time needed to become informed about the i

Music seems to be the thing I keep coming back too. It’s got a hold of me in ways I can’t explain. Every time I put pen to paper I hear something inside. These scribbling pens are just one piece of a puzzle. I need to make music. But that means collaboration to truly come to fruition. Because I can’t play what I hear inside without other people. There are notes in registers I can’t sing, there are instruments I can’t play. I’m a busy Dad, I’m a husband, I’m a worker, and a student. But five-ten minutes a night and more on weekends are becoming a solace. One that needs just a little piece of my devotion. And in time I gotta get past some nerves and share what’s coming out of me. Regardless of what I may think of it. I’ve shared some lyrics lately. Dusted off a bass. Taught my daughter her first chord.  It’s time to show her what I got. I’m ready to play. I’m ready to write. Who’s in? It’s the worst year for it. But I need this in my life. Do you? If you do I’m serious. Let’s do it. I ne

I remember telling someone that Islamophobia was a real problem, and they told me no way. I pulled up the FBI statistics, the local attacks on a mosque and the Sikh Temple. But no those were isolated incidents to the person I was talking too. They didn't see the trend. They didn't have any personal knowledge of it. So how could it be a problem. I've lost track of how many times I've had the same discussion about racial relations in America. Bringing up both statistically disparities and personal experiences of myself and those I know. Only to be told, that's not so bad, or nothing can be done. Or it's isolated. I think that's what's so hard about having discussions that involve disadvantaged groups in America. Unless we know someone who is experiencing a hardship worse than us we have no sympathy or empathy as a whole.  As humans we are often very shortsighted. Due to our selfish nature we find ourselves in places where we can't recognize that someon

 In light of the first presidential debate on Sept 29th I felt the need to try to articulate something I've been having swirl around my brain for awhile. There isn't a single party without legitimate virtue. As the temperature continues to climb and the rancor increases, we need to see the good in each other and their views, especially when we disagree. Republicans at heart are pro small government. They want fiscal responsibility. They want individual liberty. A focus on religious freedom, second amendment rights. A strong military. A determinate foreign policy. All admirable things. Democrats at heart care about labor unions and workers rights. A broad social safety net. A focus on human and civil rights. Safety regulations. Healthcare reform. A push for effective environmental regulation. Also admirable things. Now in theory these two groups when focusing on their stated objectives are good foils to each other, literal checks and balances. Yet they often are in conflict with

 I need a little more humility. More holy envy and less holy enmity. Now most people reading this are probably well aware that I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They are also probably aware that I'm an active participant in the church and our local congregation. I pray, I read my scriptures, I attend church services. I sincerely do what I can to live a good life, follow the teachings of Christ, his prophets, and scripture. I do what I can. I often fall short, but I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a forward progression.  That said, I have a brutal confession. I don't always give that grace to others who are religious, especially other Christians, and that's a problem. It's one I need to work on. If I expect, or at the very least hope, people to give me the benefit of the doubt I need to start giving it to others. I think the struggle I have with this comes from two things that build on each other. The more I reflect on this t

I don't know if I make a difference. I just know I've faced some trials. Trials I felt alone and isolated to experience. I just want to find a way to share that experience. To let people know that they are not alone.  I've struggled with faith. With doubt. Spirituality, my relationship with my Savior, with scripture. It's not always been smooth. It's something I don't always think has the tough discussions. Those tough conversations that need to be had. I may not always have the answers, but I want to ask tough questions, I want to have rough conversations, and I want to be honest and open about both my faith and my doubts. I've talked, written, felt like screaming about mental health. Especially the stigmas that involve it. I don't think people feel they can be as open or as raw about their mental or behavioral struggles as much as they could or even should be. Especially men and boys. I hope that in time we can change that. I've addressed some poli

Changing any psychiatric medication is a crazy experience. It's your brain literally dealing with changes in it's chemistry. That's not someone I say lightly. The chemical balance, amount, and distribution of neurotransmitters are part of what make you yourselves. To not have the proper scale or to rapidly change their amount or function hits you hard. For that reason I understand the caution and reticence that accompanies the idea of using these meds. But for some of us we need them. Sometimes the right meds make the difference. A severe, immediately apparent, difference.  I just began a regimen of medication for my ADHD. It truly feels like waking up. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel like I've been in a fog of my own thoughts for way too long. Now there's a clarity. That's the thing that's hard to talk about. Yes, I've gotten help, yes I've gotten therapy. It's made a difference. But I needed more help. First it was medication f

 I have to start this off by saying that I need some hope. I need some faith right now. Sometimes we all do.  I came across this picture recently. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It's just a depiction of Christ pulling Peter from the water. Pulling his apostle back up to safety as the waves pulsed and rocked around them. Looking at the scene I was struck by a simple phrase. And it's now one I can't get out of my head. "Peter walked on water." I can't stop thinking about that single point. I've seen multiple depictions of the story, read the scriptures, looked at the art. Almost always it's focused on the point where Peter fails. It focuses on the fall. That's important thing to remember. But it loses it's poignancy if we forget to focus on what preceded that very moment. Peter asked to join his Savior. The Savior invited him. And he walked on water. The conditions were better, the eye was focused. That made all the difference. Because the incre

I believe in the audacity of equality. By that I mean equality of opportunity. That's an American ideal if there ever was one. And it's never been truly achieved. It's still an aspiration. I don't say that to be pessimistic. But I mean that in a real sense. Equality for all has not truly been achieved in the USA, but we're constantly progressing toward it. Often times, most times, we've led the charge. That doesn't mean we don't have problems to solve. That we've overcome injustice yet. But we're working on it, more than some want to admit. Sometimes in that progression we need to address where the gaps in opportunity are, and any other real injustices. Given the conversation about race, I believe it's a time to have a discussion on the topic.  I don’t buy wholeheartedly into critical race theory and intersectionality. I believe personal accountability is important. Vital even. I can hold both of these ideas in my head when I examine race. I

It's time for a bit of honesty. I'm scared of my thoughts and where they often take me. Over time I've realized something important. There's a difference between intrusions and temptations. We need to talk about that. I'm a person of faith, I'm also a man who's struggled with aspects of his behavioral and mental health. I'm not going to say that I'm an expert in theology or psychology, but I feel like maybe I could apply a little of my own life experience to this discussion. I hope that it can help someone out. That we can start discussions that are productive. That we can adequately differentiate between issues of mental health and legitimate sin. I think in many ways it would be easiest to address the more spiritual aspects of the discussion first. Let me start that by saying I truly believe we as humans have access to guidance and comfort from a literal Holy Spirit. Some may call what we're discussing their Jiminy Cricket or their consci

I have been wondering how to write this.  It's only been a week. The realization and the diagnosis.  I have ADD/ADHD. Both impulsive and inattentive characteristics.  An adult diagnosis. It wasn't entirely out of the realm of reason, but it still hit like a sledgehammer. So much harder than I ever could've expected or anticipated. This changes things I didn't realize it would. I've not exactly shied away from discussing my mental health as of late. Writing, connecting, both have been cathartic for me. Almost necessarily so. People may not realize that. The feelings isolation that often accompany both the symptoms of mental illness, and the stigma of getting help for them. Connection is as important (in my opinion) in resolving feelings of depression or anxiety as mindfulness, exercise, or even medication. It's all aspects of life, and just tools in a toolbox. That's one thing that has me rattled. I've worked hard in therapy, personal resilience, journali

The following letter was written to Benjamin Franklin in Latin as it was the only common language that was intelligible between the two men corresponding. The opening line is personally an underrated piece of American literature.  --- Most Illustrious Sir: Golden freedom cannot be purchased with yellow gold. I, who have the honor to present this letter to your Excellency, am also following the call of the Fathers of the Land, as the pioneers of freedom always did. I am a free man and a Hungarian. As to my military status I was trained in the Royal Prussian Army and raised from the lowest rank to the dignity of a Captain of the Hussars, not so much by luck and the mercy of chance than by most diligent self discipline and the virtue of my arms. The dangers and the bloodshed of a great many campaigns taught me how to mold a soldier, and, when made, how to arm him and let him defend the dearest of the lands with his best ability under any conditions and developments of the war. I now am he

When we talk about systemic issues of racism there is a lot of explaining away. Mostly individually. Let's break some of them down. Blacks killed by cops, more whites are killed. The fact that more blacks are incarcerated, they commit more crimes. The fact blacks and Hispanics are more likely to receive non-lethal violence, they commit more crimes. Blacks pulled over more often, must speed more. When blacks aren't pulled over as often at night, crickets. Blacks are on more likely to be arrested on marijuana charges while usage is almost equal, that's explained by the neighborhood they live in. The fact blacks serve on average 19% more than whites for the same crimes with the same record, we need to dig deeper. That's just the law enforcement. I have studies for all of these we can look at. Some are more locality focused, some are nationwide. All have been "debunked" individually by people usually speaking about how the black community is poorer or missing fath

Deaths come in waves. They never seem to be alone. It's hard to see vets your age go. Especially at 30. It's not time to die yet. It's not time to end a life. But it seems to happen their own hands all too often. I'm watching a wave occur. It hurts the same every damn time. I'm sick of death. I know I've said more than a few times that I am done watching people die. I mean that. There is more than a bit of irony to make that kind of declaration from the hall of hospice unit. But I think it's okay to make a clear distinction between those who lived life, and are just fading away now that a body has run it's race, and someone ending that race prematurely themselves. Please don't join the ranks of the latter. Call 1-800-273-8255 or text  741741  at the very least. Reach out to a friend or trusted loved one. Please. Drop me a line if you need to. People are here. People are present. Don't slip away on us.

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." Matt 5:48 Christ’s commission is in effect. Always. And it exists with the expectation that we’ll fall short. Hence all he did in this ministry. The call to come to him. "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matt 11:28 That was his call. Yes we were to be perfect but if we are heavy laden he will lift the load. He will lift us up. This is the man who called us to purity and dined with sinners. I think that juxtaposition is what we should be yearning for in our own life. I mean that. Let's think about the entire purpose of his life on earth. It was to perform an atonement so that we can repent and return to him. The whole point of the atonement is that we can change and be better. That call, that service. It's the entire point of his existence and it's one that we need to remember daily. I’m afraid that purity tests are dest

6/10/2020 I can’t seem to write the song I’m trying to sing. My throat catches My pen doesn’t seem to want to work Things are rushing inside in ways I can’t explain I just can’t get them out I can’t even tell what they are There’s no bridge No melody Just snippets of words Phrases And a couple notes that can’t find the rhythm. It’s overwhelming It’s wearing me down So much inside of me And I can’t seem to write the song I’m trying to sing. 6/10/2020 Hurting Anger Never seems to end Life is that way I suppose. Peace Love Joy Happen too Embrace what you can when you can.

I don't want to see change necessitated by more body bags. That goes for protesters and police alike. Nor do I want to see any hate continue. A large part of that is due to my faith. As this has been going on I've turned to look at things I've been taught, words that have instructed and comforted me in times of trial. And I'm trying to apply them to myself. Two talks came to mind. One right before each other. One on forgiveness and the other on repentance. Both about changing. Both from the same man at the end of his life. James E Faust was a man who had a quiet serenity that has always touched me. My grandfather spent some time as missionary in Salt Lake City. He found himself walking the same route as President Faust on a regular basis. Getting to know him fairly well. Their mannerisms and patterns of speech were often similar. Reflected on these two men's legacy I can't help but be humbled. Now right before Faust died he gave a talk in General Confe

Politics don’t belong in church services. I mean that plain and simple. Differences in policy abound in my faith. More than people realize. I’m finding myself realizing more and more how secular differences have driven people from church. Have caused people to question their faith over secular decisions. So let me say it again one more time. Politics don’t belong in church services. Now I’ll admit that being home for church during this quarantine has been oddly peaceful. Because I don’t feel like Sunday school is going to degrade in a political discussion. One where one type of politics is righteous and the other is evil.  See I truly believe secular politics can’t be defined as evil as a whole. That there are good people on each side of the political spectrum holding down the line and checking the other side. Many people assume that due to the church’s stance on abortion, families, personal responsibility etc lead us all to be conservative.  That’s true to a p

6/4/2020 Futility Doesn't have to equal insanity. Sometimes we try when the sense of failure is highest. When the possibility of success is nil. We try, We strive, We push, if we can, We defy. We're human, that's why. 6/4/2020 Boogeyman- Fear Unsubstantiated Always seems So real. Fearing the Darkness for the nothing. We fill it With the worst. Never knowing What good, it may hold. In the stillness, You may lose Your sight for a moment. Yet light always Chases away instantaneously. Hearing only sharpens with time to fill in for your eyes, In the Dark. You can trust It Always. There are no footsteps stalking your Sleep. Only a racing Heartbeat. Louder than ever Before, Making your Mind Make the Man, You're most afraid of. Listen for a Moment, Just to listen, You'll realize He was never there.

I don't have any eloquent epiphanies to solve the issues facing our nation. I wish I did. At this point I've talked a lot to a lot of people about this. I don't know what else to add to the broad conversation. But something has been tearing at me over the past couple of days. I feel like it's time to address it. This may just be a selfish attempt at some form of catharsis. But I hope it helps someone. Anyone. I’m afraid in the intensity of the time we’re becoming desensitized to human loss and pain. Cases of disease and their deaths are laid out on tables and graphs. We pour over statistical analysis of crimes, actions, and incarcerations as we compare it to population numbers. We’re so intent on our position that we are losing connections. We’ve lost all grounding in our race to make a point. To win a conflict. We need to recognize grievances or we going to lose people. We need to recognize goodness in truly good individuals in all aspects of this. Or we are going

There are serious mental health ramifications of every action that's occurring right now. One side of the political spectrum doesn't own this. One side doesn't have it demonstrably harder than another. WE'RE ALL HUMAN BEINGS. That's the truth of it. We're all just human and we're all hurting. Some of us worse than others. Some of us have lost a loved one. To a horrific illness. An inexplicable phenomenon hellbent on infecting as many people as possible, and indiscriminate in it's maiming or killing. It's so voracious that many loved ones are unable to comfort their loved ones as they pass. Robbed of a traditional closure. It's tearing them down. Many people are jobless. Scared of being homeless. Frightened beyond all reason as they struggle to put food on the table. Wondering why they're vilified for the most reasonable need. Some are in rural areas. Away from that virus that everyone keeps droning on about. But the droning one's have